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Age. 36
Gender. Male
Ethnicity. White stuff
Location Sunnyside, NY
School. Rutgers Univ
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Phelps' COMEBACK: A Twitter Analysis
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
I just read a fascinating, in-depth analysis of a tweet by Michael Phelps, xx-time gold medalist in swimming and cultural pariah.

The tweet in question reads: "Tomorrow is a new start... Can't wait!!!" If you're anything like me, you read that and thought, "Well, wait a minute, what exactly does he really mean by that cryptic statement? He couldn't simply be talking about tomorrow being a different day from today!"

And USA Today was right there with us. Their investigation team took a closer look and came up with several provocative explanations:

  1. The all-time leading Olympic gold medalist has already decided to make a comeback from [sic] the 2016 Olympics and is enjoying the process of stringing along fans and media who have always expected him to.

  2. Knowing he’ll never return to the pool, except when said pool is Tao Beach at The Venetian, Phelps enjoys subverting expectations by dropping red herrings about his swimming intentions.

  3. Having exclusively worn white pants, a white shirt and white sneakers since the start of summer, Phelps is looking forward to wearing colors and plaids as to conform to post-Labor Day fashion rules.

Let's be perfectly clear. Options 2 and 3 were provided for comic relief, and they got the job done! But make no mistake; Chris Chase, the author of the piece and self-described "D.C. native still hoping to live out childhood dream of qualifying for 1996 Olympics" is not fucking kidding around with number 1. He is deeply emotionally invested in the return of Michael Phelps, the "all-time leading Olympic gold medalist" as Chris so admiringly described him.

As am I. Emotional investment is low-risk, high-reward. And with that, I decided to dig a little deeper into Michael Phelp's recent tweets to uncover the clues of his imminent comeback.

"Congrats to @jasondufner!! Well done buddy"

He's clearly practicing his good sportsmanship skills for his TRIUMPHANT FIRST-PLACE VICTORY WHEN HE RETURNS TO SWIMMING!

"Y are ppl so creepy and go through trash? Is that normal?"

He's clearly referring to a homeless person he saw digging out some McDonald's from the dumpster at the POOL WHERE HE TRAINS FOR COMEBACKS!

"First trip to #maine can't wait for my first lobster!!"

He's clearly going to PRACTICE FOR HIS SWIMMING COMEBACK by catching lobsters with his bare hands!

"Happy bday to #8 #calripken!!!"

He's clearly referencing baseball legend Cal Ripken Jr., here, whose career was so long and illustrious that he must have had SOME KIND OF COMEBACK AT SOME POINT!

"So far I've had 2 meals from #beckysdiner while I've been up in Portland.... Hmmm where else should I try?"


What more proof could we possibly need? Michael Phelps is plotting a carefully concealed yet playfully public comeback to the world of watersports. Good luck, Michael, and careful with those lobsters!
Rate this entry!

Gee, he's fearless. What a guy.
» jabberwock on 2013-09-04 03:55:26

Haha. I wonder what people would think about my tweets. Talk about a vacuous source of information.
» jinyu on 2013-09-04 02:45:43

No one will know until tomorrow! Nice to see you back!
» Midnight on 2013-09-04 11:34:12

It would be so weird to be "retired" at such a young age.
» Zanzibar on 2013-09-05 05:28:02

Flawless analysis. Well done sir.

re: Yes, I will be using Google Play! Although it's kind of a task to set up, I hear that it's rather pleasant, after all is said and done. As far as working on one of these between work and home...it is VERY dependent on the Internet. That's all I would mention.
» Unicornasaurus on 2013-09-05 10:03:24

RC: I know! The nerve! Eating a bite at a time.

RC: Nah, I don't really use it anymore.
» jinyu on 2013-09-06 10:05:14

I don't think they meant to point out my flaw in a rude way. It was more for me to realize something about myself. Nonetheless, it really hurts :(
» dannixfresh on 2013-09-08 02:30:22

Oh the complexities of those less-than-one-hundred-forty-characters. What secrets they hide!
» invisible on 2013-09-08 03:35:08

RYC: I ate marble cheesecake from starbucks. =)

Argh!!! can u recommend me any good horror films?
» renaye on 2013-09-10 08:12:31

Ryc-yes! Psychology of occurrence. No doubt sometimes it happens by chance. :-)
» renaye on 2013-09-14 07:56:33

Haha I like your analysis. The olympics is Brazil right? I'm pretty excited for it. If he does come back I hope he goes all super saiyan again.

And thank you. I'm really glad there are people who do understand my situation like you do. It makes me hopeful that more and more people will be educated to not harm others anymore.
» dont-see on 2013-09-15 12:45:14

While it is true in theory that Arizona could power the United States with limited average, the fact remains that this energy is not very transportable. This is the main advantage of coal and gas as both retain their energy as they are transported. This means that the future of solar energy will largely be localized and since the United States has so many city with agrarian roots, many of our cities are overcast. Other options include wind power, which is only efficient in highly windy areas and water, which is only efficient on waterfalls and each of those has their own environmental impact which can be less than savory.

But, I might as well go ahead with the Harin story, it is a bit more fleshed out in my mind.
» jinyu on 2013-10-23 11:37:12

*acreage (damn you auto-correct)
» jinyu on 2013-10-23 11:38:22

RC: In the story it is intentionally hyperbolic, but I see your point. I'm not against alternative energies, but they do have their drawbacks. Both hydro and wind power interrupt animal crossings. Wind power is particularly lethal to birds: http://dailycaller.com/2013/07/23/study-feds-underestimated-how-many-birds-get-killed-by-wind-turbines/ It all figures into the balance.
» jinyu on 2013-10-25 01:18:30

Oops, that source is a little funny. http://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/green-science/wind-turbine-kill-birds.htm They kills fewer birds that domestic cats, but they kill birds.
» jinyu on 2013-10-25 01:20:50

Regarding zanzi's post
That was my initial thought too, especially since the book is explicitly about Philosophy. That's why I started with "I know I'm missing the point, but..." I'm pretty sensitive to people thinking stupid crap because it sounds good, so it's harder for me to appreciate good metaphor when it's put forth in that manner.

Anyway, after zanzibar's response, in which she dropped the philosophical part of the discussion, THAT's what I was referring to as pseudo-science.

I hope that clears things up.
» middaymoon on 2013-11-23 11:23:08

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